My Dad

He was admitted to the hospital February 8th.  He was in so much pain that Rachel and Dave had to basically lift him into the car.

I spent the night in the hospital Sunday night and Monday night I went to the house to be with Tess.  That night some girls from the ward heart attacked their door.

I stayed around Monday so the workers could finish the sunroom.  It was finished just in time for them to bring in the hospital bed.

1st night home and he is feeling pretty good.  No pain but needing some oxygen.

Some of dad's support team!

I had so many emotions and would go from crying to laughing in a matter of seconds. 

Leland was the perfect nurse for dad.  Dad really liked him and would ask when he was coming again.  Leland was with dad until the very end. 

Dad's hair took on a rakish look and I told him he was just fulfilling all of mom's Barbara Cortland heros.  They are always described as rakes!

Valentines' Day.  Dad had a rough night on the 13th but he rallied and wanted to spend valentine's with mom.  He wrote in her card and didn't get to finish it because he got too tired but he did manage a few lines which she will always cherish. 

Tess sure does love him and would watch over and guard him.

They still had their morning scripture time but mom feel asleep during this session.  She was not getting the best sleep as she would stay by him and hold his hand for a bit of the night. 

Moved the bed into the living room so mom could at least lay down on the couch and be close to him at night. 

This picture is so poignant.  I cannot imagine going through this and I know my mom's heart is breaking at the separation.  How grateful to know that it is only temporary. 

Rick and I had tickets to go to Utah February 19-22 so that he could go skiing for his 50th bday.  I had been worried about dad for a few days prior because when mom would call he would be in bed or in so much pain and nausea.  Saturday I texted the family to see if anyone had checked on dad and that I was worried.  Nichole and Rachel did and they knew that he needed to go to the ER. Rachel and Dave had to help dad get into the car and when they got to the hospital dad was in a bad way.  He had a severe infection and his kidney function was at 11%.  Mom asked the nurse if she should have her daughters that lived out of state come.  They said that would be best.  So Ellie and I arrived Sunday and dad remained in the hospital until Tuesday.  During this time it was discovered that he had stage 4 cancer that had spread to his bladder, kidneys, adrenal glands, and that he was going to go home with hospice care.  Watching our family, especially mom and dad, realize what this meant was the most difficult scene to witness.  As mom clung to dad and they both sobbed and she was saying she could not do this without him.  He assured her that she could and we all just cried together.

We brought dad home and the first few days he did good.  His pain was no longer there as they got his kidneys' functioning again and his infection gone.  He was able to eat and things tasted good for a bit.  He would have good days and then bad days and we were told that it would be a roller-coaster and it was.  I have never liked roller-coasters and didn't like this one either.  We did get some fun lines from dad and we wrote those all down.  He was able to keep his sense of humor right to the end.

One night, I went into the sun room around 11.  Mom had been sitting by him and she had just headed to the couch.  I went in and sat in the rocker by his bed, and he was awake.  I held his hand and talked with him and then he nodded off.  He would let go of my hand for a while to reposition and I would take my arm and put it under the blankets to warm up.  Not very soon you would see his hand come up again for me to hold.  I would smile every time and just hold his hand. I don't think I remember ever holding my dad's hand.  I am sure I did as a little girl, but this was such a special time for me.  My parents have a clock that strikes the hours and so I would hear the clock stike12,  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 as I sat by his bedside.  As I sat in that sun room I could see the outline of the mountains as the sun began to rise.  I will always cherish that night I had with him.

The days started becoming harder for him and we were no longer getting the good days.  He was barely eating or drinking and one day he just could not wake up.  Leland came and did his exam and dad was out for the entire thing. We thought maybe he had a small stroke and was in a coma.  Mom did not seemed too worried.  Nichole and I went to Walgreens to get some bed pads to put down thinking that we would have to lift him into bed and that we would not see his eyes again.  Rick called and of course I was crying.  We get back to the house and we just stepped in and all of a sudden dad just opened his eyes.  I went to him and just hugged him and was doing the relief cry.

Rick came in to town on the 19th and was able to visit with dad.  Lexi and Rick went skiing on the 21st  and I spent the day with the family.  Dad was not doing good and was so weak.  He could no longer get up and walk and eating and drinking was worse.  He had more and more oxygen to help him and he just couldn't seem to get enough air.  Saturday, the kids had a rose cutting party and dad was excited to know that his roses were taken care of.  Rick and I headed to Lexi's around 11 and I said goodbye to dad.  I just told myself that I would see him in March even though in my heart I knew I would not.  I hugged him and told him I loved him and that I would be back in a couple weeks.  Rick said he held his arm and looked him straight in the eyes and Rick knew he knew it would be the last time he saw him.

We landed in Austin at 7:45 Utah time and when I turned my phone on there were all these texts that dad did not have long.  Leland was with him as was Rachel, Scott, Nichole, Dave and Mom.  15 minutes after I landed I received the text. from Rachel "he's gone"  I will forever remember standing in baggage claim shaking with sobs.  I don't think I could have handled being there for his final moments, and I know how hard that was for those that were there.  I think dad knew I wasn't strong enough and waited for me to leave.  Some people wait and hang on for a certain event or person to arrive and I think dad waited for his basket case daughter to leave!

Since being home, I have continued the emotional roller coaster and it still doesn't seem real.  Blake and I will head back on March 6-8 for a family memorial gathering.  I think it will be a wonderful time to laugh and to cry together and remember the wonderful man that we were privileged to love and be loved by.  The messages of love and outpouring of support from people who knew my dad were overwhelmingly the same.  He was a quiet men who left a very loud impression on everyone by his goodness, his kindness, his Christlike love and faith and this was evidenced by how well he was taken care of during his final days.

I sent the message to Blake and he responded. "heaven received another angel.  He'll forever be missed.  I wish I got to see him again.  He truly could have been one of the 3 Nephites, he was such a selfless man."  I loved that and it made me smile when I read it.  He has left a large impact on the life of his grandchildren and I am so glad that Lexi and Morgan were able to live in Utah these last few years and spend time with him.

The song that brought me comfort when Rick was diagnosed was the same that brought me comfort during this time.  "He gives us hope when hope is gone.  He gives us strength when we can't go on. He gives us shelter in the storms of life.  When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ"
I have felt this peace and it has calmed by worried and broken heart.  Now we go on and live with the knowledge that we will be together again.  We will rally around and support mom as she navigates a different life without the love of hers by her side.  Dad said she will be stronger than we think and he knew her better than anyone!
I love the hymn Each Life that Touches Ours for Good.  My dad did this everyday of his life.
"What greater gift dost thou bestow, What greater goodness can we know than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways strengthen our faith, enrich our days.    This was my dad's legacy.  He left us all better for just knowing him.